Four Shades of Recovery: Boxed Set Read online

  I bite my bottom lip as he stares at me with desire. “That’s hard to say but at least six months and quite possibly one year. I’ve been in therapy for several months now to address my issues with trust and low self-esteem. My therapist, Dr. Ginger, thinks I’m doing well and I feel so much better. She’s amazing with a technique called dialectical behavioral therapy. It’s why I’ve returned to you,” I announce with pride and touch his arm.

  “I’m thrilled to hear about your therapy, Megan. You have no idea how much Dr. Stone helped me to cope with your loss. My own issues with loss and abuse came raging back when you walked out on me. I was an emotional cripple. If it weren’t for Stone, I’d be living in a box on the street. When you left me Megan, and wouldn’t return my calls, I broke down. I drank, hardly ate, and nearly wasted away while pining over you.”

  “I’m so sorry, Matt. I never wanted to hurt you. Leaving was all about my fears of commitment and trust. Believe me I’m here to help heal you and us, I think. Dr. Ginger believes that I’m capable of real love. I know that you’re the one who calls to me. I just hope it’s enough for you.”

  Matt’s crooked smile appears for the first time today. His face conveys dismay as well as hope. He doesn’t push back from me. We look at each other for several long moments.

  “Then you’ll consider taking me back?” I’m nearly pleading now with my eyes. Once again, I reach out and this time I rest my hands on his chest. He doesn’t pull away from our contact. That’s a good sign since it’s one of his most vulnerable areas.

  “These are my conditions,” he begins with a stern look on his face, “and you have to agree to all of them.”

  I stare at Matt for a moment and then nod my head to indicate that he should continue. I’m not sure that I can agree to any of his demands. However, I’m willing to try now.

  “First, we can’t engage in any sexual activity until you’re ready to commit to me, with love. I expect you’ll feel confident about your love for me; not conflicted about committing to me when we make love again. Agreed?”

  I’m stunned that Matt’s made such a rule. Sex has always been such a crucial part of our relationship. We’re both going to be deprived of a major source of comfort. I wonder if he can even handle that condition.

  “Does that mean we can’t even sleep in the same bed together?” I ask and nearly moan in pain at the thought.

  He considers my question for a few minutes before replying. “I don’t think I could control myself if you were sleeping next to me. You know how much I enjoy making love with you, Megan. For now, there should be no bed sharing between us. I can’t really enjoy sex without being in love.” His mouth looks stern as he establishes his ground rules.

  “But Matt, I don’t sleep well when you’re not holding me in your arms. It’s the safest, most wonderful feeling in the world. Please.”

  I know how difficult, if not impossible, it is for Matt to deny my requests when they’re accompanied by that magic word. Then I bat my big blue eyes at him with an innocent expression in them.

  “Oh hell, Megan. I also sleep so well when I’m wrapped around your warm little body,” he concedes with a frown. “OK we can share a bed, sometimes, as long as you don’t attempt to seduce me. Is that clear? I’m really serious about this rule. Sex with you feels like a drug and once I’ve taken that drug, there’s no turning back.”

  I nod my head and leap up with pleasure to kiss his cheek. “Don’t worry, that wasn’t a sexual kiss. That was simply a thank you kiss.”

  He smirks and then holds up an index finger. “You haven’t heard my other conditions.”

  “Alright, I can agree to a cessation of our sexual activity. The only problem with your rule Matt is that I fall more deeply in love with you when we hook up. However I think we should try it your way for now. What are your other conditions, Mr. Frazier?” I cross my arms and pout to indicate my frustration with the demand.

  “Next, you must continue your psychotherapy and discuss your feelings with me. Perhaps we should also check in with Dr. Stone on occasion. This would be akin to couple’s therapy.” His expression reflects pure determination.

  “I have every intention of continuing with therapy. It’s helped me sort out my conflicting needs and put some of my crazies to rest,” I agree with ease. Then I look at Matt to hear the rest of his demands. This one’s a no brainer for me.

  “My third condition is that you’ll tell me everything that happened during our year apart. I want no secrets. If we’re to move our relationship ahead, I need to know what you’ve done and where you’ve been.” He looks at me with some trepidation.

  “Everything?” I blanch and swallow, hard. I know he’ll react badly to many of my adventures. However I did keep a personal blog about my adventures and encounters so I could share that with him. He notices my facial expression and frowns. I don’t want him reading the blog alone, however.

  Now he grabs me by my shoulders and shakes me a bit. “Is it that bad? How many men did you meet?” That bit of info seems to have touched something rather explosive inside of Matt.

  “You’ll be quite upset about some of the experiences I’ve had this past year Matt. However, I’ll tell you about them. All of them. That is, when both of us are truly ready to confront them,” I promise. He releases me without incident. “I’ll tell you the good and the bad as I see it,” I add.

  At that point, I note that he’s tensing and about to go thermonuclear on me.

  “Who did you fuck, Megan?” He’s huffing and pacing around his living room with a tight jaw and both hands fisted at the sides of his body.

  I inhale a bit before making a suggestion. “Matt, why don’t we discuss these issues with Dr. Stone? I think we can both use his guidance here.” I’m trembling from head to toe. I know that I need to divert his attention from the competitive pissing contest that he’s about to undertake with what he imagines is his rival. He’s glaring at me with suspicion at the moment.

  I use my most assertive tone of voice before I speak again.

  “How ‘bout if I start at the beginning of my adventure, like last summer? If you’d like to hear all about it I need to give you some context. That’s my condition, Matt.”

  I stand with crossed arms and my head held high. I look him straight in the eyes with a confident expression on my face.

  He shakes his head no. “I want to know the worst of it, Megan. How many? How much? How long?”

  “That’s just masochistic Matt. Look the bottom line is that I’m here with you. I want you. I need you. You’ve agreed to take me back if I meet your conditions. In order to meet those conditions, I can’t guarantee that you’ll be thrilled with everything I chose to do. However, I needed to explore the options without you. I faced my issues about commitment, OK? Don’t forget you had all kinds of strange sexual hookups, before you met me.” I look at him with conviction and place my hand on my left hip.

  He’s breathing heavily but looks more rational now. He finally nods in agreement. “As long as you didn’t have any BDSM relationships while away,” he jokes. I shake my head with relief and laugh. I’m so proud of the fact that I just redirected his negative emotions in a healthy way.

  “Alright can I start my story now?” I ask with humor in my voice as I sit on his couch. He sits across from me and crosses his legs.

  “Let’s hear it from the beginning, Megan,” he concedes while staring at my face wistfully.

  “When I first left, I flew to Britain. I’d read about a London city tour and couch option for three nights. The reviews from other users were really quite positive. The young woman whose home I visited was friendly, knowledgeable and helpful. I was so impressed with Westminster Abbey and its intricate stone carvings as well as its history.”

  Matt relaxes as I recount my first experience away from him.

  “Would you like some wine, Megan?” he asks, as we both get comfortable.

  “That would be lovely, thanks!”

  He make
s his way to the kitchen and pours us both a generous amount of Chardonnay. When he returns, I take a brief swallow and launch into a story that I suspect will cause him more pain. He needs to know the truth though. Just not all of it tonight.

  Chapter Four – Psychological Troubles

  MEGAN’s POV

  After I tell Matt about my time in London, I decide to head back to the condo that I now share with my former roommate, Kim. She invited me to stay in my old room when I came back to Portland. I felt more than grateful to see that the room still held a number of my things. Apparently, she hadn’t given up on me. No wonder I consider Kim my best friend forever.

  Before leaving Matt’s place, I give him a hug and quick peck on the cheek. He holds me cautiously.

  “When will I learn the rest of your story, Megan?” he quizzes me with a look of dread on his gorgeous face.

  I feel anxious and uncomfortable about how he’ll react to my adventures. He’s breathing in a shallow manner. However, I promised him that there’d be no secrets. I sigh in resignation.

  “Whenever you feel ready to hear or read about it, Matt. I did write a personal blog about it all, as it happened. I prefer to tell you about it in person though.”

  “I’ll let you know. Would you like a ride back to your place?”

  He’s so solicitous and kind but I don’t want to take advantage of him at this juncture.

  “I’ll just catch a cab and you can text me about when and where you’d like to talk again. By the way, I’m getting my old job back at the newspaper. This time around I’m working for a woman editor,” I gloat. I’m rather proud of the fact that I left my former job on good terms and that my skills are still appreciated.

  Matt laughs without mirth, “That won’t keep you out of trouble.” I shake my head and pat him goodbye. He looks forlorn and lost as I turn to leave. My poor baby. I want to love and trust him so much. That’s really the unstated fourth condition for our relationship. He needs to be convinced that I love him.

  I need to find a way to help him understand my dilemmas. What I did to him was unforgiveable. However the way I felt when he confessed that he loved and wanted me forever was frightened and even trapped. It brought back all of my fears about the false promises that love entailed.

  The issues I explored with Dr. Ginger earlier this year focused on my distrust of my mother, Abby, and her lovers. One day I broke down in my therapist’s office after making the connection between what I did with Matt and what happened with my mother. I choked out an especially salient story as the memories came flooding back.

  “Abby professed her motherly love for me and yet she didn’t protect me. For instance one of her husbands, Tony, verbally and physically abused me. She did nothing to stop him. I remember his rages for minor childhood mistakes on my part. Once I couldn’t find the dog food quickly enough. Tony cursed at me and called me a numbskull.”

  “That’s such an inappropriate way to treat a child,” she added. “Go on with your story Megan.”

  “Then Tony beat me often with a strap, his belt, when I admitted that I had no idea where different clothes or household items happened to be. This sort of thing wasn’t just a one-time event.”

  The image of Tony’s enraged face as he raised the belt to strike me sent chills down my spine as I recounted the tale.

  “Abby stood by and looked concerned but said very little. Tony intimidated her too. I hated both of them so much at the time.”

  Dr. Ginger nodded her head in sympathy and offered her insights. “You felt betrayed by your mother’s lack of loyalty to you. She gave him more support and power than you, even though you were first. You, as the child, were looking to the only adult you thought you could trust and she let you down.”

  I signal my agreement as the images keep coming. Then a better thought surfaces. “My mother did support me in the end, however, and that meant a lot. She chose me over Tony when the final straw happened.”

  “That’s encouraging. Then let’s hear it.”

  Dr. Ginger’s been after me to dredge up both the good and the bad dynamics from my childhood with Abby. It’s painful for me to recall it all.

  “During my teen years Tony hid in my bedroom closet and tried to watch me undress one evening. I hadn’t taken off all my clothes yet when I caught him. Luckily, I noticed that my closet door stood open in an unusual way. I pulled it open quickly and soon discovered Tony lurking in the front of the closet just behind my coats. His pants were pushed down and he was holding his erect penis. I screamed, called him a pervert and my mother came running. She demanded a divorce and he moved out very quickly after that fiasco.”

  I’m crying with anger and relief as I flash back to our time with Tony and how it finally ended.

  Dr. Ginger sounds hopeful. “Were you able to rebuild your relationship with Abby after Tony left then?”

  “Yeah somewhat. However Abby found another husband to replace Tony within the year. Whenever a new man entered her life I became secondary. It seemed strange to me that her trust and love could be transferred so quickly to a series of men she knew briefly. It always seemed wrong that our long-standing mother-child relationship took a back seat to her husbands. I became less important than they did when she’d known them only a few months.”

  “I can sympathize with how replaceable you felt around her relationships during your teenage years. Abby may have been emotionally and financially dependent upon the husbands though. Did she try to reassure you about her priorities?”

  “She may have said the words but I thought her actions betrayed those words,” I admitted. “Actions speak much louder than words in my view.”

  “Therefore in your own relationship, when Matt said the words ‘I love you’, you couldn’t trust them?” Dr. Ginger probed.

  “Yeah. I even found myself reliving the experience with Abby. I feared the sense of betrayal that often followed those claims of love.”

  “Did Matt ever give you any reason to think you could be replaced?”

  “Well, no, but I grew anxious because I was afraid that once I returned his love, Matt would become complacent. I thought he’d take me for granted. Perhaps I felt that he’d look for another conquest. I couldn’t bear to be replaced once again.”

  Dr. Ginger looks dismayed. “You left and never discussed these issues with Matt then? He had no idea that ‘love’ felt like a four letter word to you. Do you want to give ‘love’ another chance with him?”

  “Yeah, I think that things could be different with him. I panicked and left before I made the connection with Abby and her betrayal of me. You’ve helped me separate out those issues so well over these past few sessions, Dr. Ginger.”

  She smiled like a proud professional and encouraged me to give love another chance with Matt Frazier.

  That’s what I’m attempting to do now that I’ve re-entered his life. I was thrilled to learn that Matt didn’t replace me during my absence. I’m even more impressed that he’s forsaken his BDSM outlets. I can’t forget that Matt has issues of his own however.

  MATT’S POV

  I call Dr. Stone and tell him about my meeting with Megan. He’s impressed with the boundaries that I’ve established for my current relationship with her. He also compliments me on the amount of self-control that I demonstrated during my unanticipated face-to-face chat with Megan.

  “Matt, your ground rules sound very clear and fair. I think Megan must discuss her adventures and encounters after she left you in a thorough way. Then you can determine whether or not there’s a basis for moving ahead with your relationship. Since Megan agreed to your conditions she’s clearly trying to make a connection with you again.”

  “The issue for me, Dr. Stone, concerns my possessive tendencies. I’m not sure I can handle knowing that she slept with another man. The idea that she enjoyed her time with other men still drives me wild.”

  I cringe at the very idea of seeing her involved in a friendly conversation with another guy. I know how
ridiculous that sounds but it’s true. I want to be her one and only in all ways.

  “Then you won’t be ready to hear her story until we work through a few likely scenarios. I think you need to anticipate the fact that Megan met, dated and possibly slept with other men on her journey away from you. More importantly we need to prepare you for a reasonable reaction to those outcomes. If you can’t deal with those possibilities, then there’s no use in contacting her to learn the rest of the story.”

  Dr. Stone makes his points clearly and well while looking me in the eye and gently stating the case.

  “I’m just not ready to face it yet Dr. Stone. I may never be able to face it. However, I want Megan back in my life. She’s everything to me. I can’t tell you how complete and wonderful I felt when we touched again and made love. There’s this electricity between us that doesn’t quit. You’ve got to help me work through the betrayal scenarios.”